But You’re Not

You’re scared. You’re hurt. You laugh without even feeling it. You want to tell the world. But every time you try to, they tell you you’re okay. But you’re not and it hurts.

You smile. You bring light. You keep going. You want them to take notice. You’re just tired, they say. But you’re not and you feel it.

The sadness will go away, or so you thought. How could you cry at night, when you know you could be happy even at the thought of the smallest things. But now you’re not and you know where it’s leading to.

You want to run away, and drop it all off. But how could you, when you still dream of things and of love. You think there is hope. You are just confused, they say. But you’re not and it’s taking too long.

Maybe you could tell somebody. But when you look, everyone else is fighting their own battles. You try to stay quiet. You must be lucky, they say. But you’re not. How could they say that.

You close your eyes. The pain is still there. Everything seems more cloudy now. You are a strong person, they say. But you’re not and it’s getting scarier now.


An Open Letter to the Friend I’ve Lost

Things might have changed in our friendship but still, there were days I would think about you.

It still breaks my heart to look back and think of all the good times we shared- how we would laugh at our stupidest jokes and how we would talk about the dreams and secrets that only both of us knew. We were a bit deeper than that, or so I thought.  But I guess some good things just don’t last. I wanted to thank my lucky stars that it wasn’t us. But it was.

I knew, with the deepest certainty I’ve ever felt, we weren’t anymore the same people we once were.

It’s amazing how time changes things. But I never knew time could change you that quick. At first I was confused with all your awkward silences. How else was I supposed to know what was going on? I could face all the pains and doubts as long as they weren’t from you. But they were and it hurts.

I wondered maybe life pulls us in different directions for us to learn and grow. But it’s just sad that we had to grow apart. It sure was painful. Even with the brief time we’d been together, the idea of us drifting apart still makes my heart sink.

I used to think you were my friend who would patiently stay with me. A friend who would gladly clap to my victories. A friend who would always try to understand my words and actions. And a friend who would defend me in my absence.

But I guess I thought wrong. Maybe you just weren’t.

For the last time, I tried to reach out. You didn’t.

Whenever people ask me about you, I just couldn’t bring myself to answer. I had no idea. Whenever I see you hanging out with your new friends, I couldn’t help but wonder whether you’ve been thinking of me too. And I hope you still remember everything. Because I do.

I missed you. But how could I run after people who wouldn’t even bother to do the same? How could I anymore trust people who couldn’t even trust me?

I think we both know this is the end of the line. But with all the heartaches and whatnots, I still thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for you taught me to be stronger. I wish you well. And I hope you are happy, even without me.